The Great Debate

SamuraiFrog doesn’t even know what VH1’s The Great Debate is, yet does this survey that’s based on it. Well, I’m likewise oblivious, but that won’t stop me from taking a crack at it.

Worst thing to happen to a penis on film: There’s Something About Mary vs. Porky’s
There’s Something About Mary. I must have seen Porky’s, but I don’t recall what happens. Yet I’ve NEVER seen Something About Mary, yet know precisely what happens. Mary by default – ouch.

Most effective PSA: Crying Indian vs. Your Brain on Drugs
Crying Indian. I always thought Brain was unintentionally hilarious, but I didn’t want to disappoint the Indian, after all we had done to his people.

Best teen soap: 90210 vs. The O.C.
Rarely saw Beverly Hills 90210, and never saw the sequel. Never saw The O.C. either but its press coverage just irritated me.

Dreamiest Travolta Stud: Tony Manero vs. Danny Zuko
Tony Manero, big time. Saturday Night Fever is a WAY better movie than Grease, and has better music to boot.

Kanye West: musical genius or tool?
Don’t know well enough to say.

Hotter Russian tennis babe: Maria Sharapova vs. Anna Kournikova
Sharapova, maybe because she’s a better player. Talent is hot.

Which is the better Hulk: Hulk Hogan vs. Incredible Hulk
Never cared one way or the other about Hulk Hogan. Watched Bill Bixby turn into Lou Ferrigno AND bought the comic book.

Most hated reality show villain: Omarosa vs. Spencer Pratt
I actually watched Omorosa on The Apprentice and she was just overly competitive. Her more recent appearances seem like schtick, the little I’ve seen. But Spencer and his friends are just mosquitoes.

Which was the wildest toy craze: Cabbage Patch Kids vs. Tickle Me Elmo
I found Cabbage Patch Kids utterly scary at the time. Tickle Me Elmo was just a surprise hit.

Who is the bigger attention whore: Chriss Angel vs. David Blaine
I’ve seen Angel’s name, but I know who Blaine is.

Ultimate 80s teen villain: James Spader vs. Billy Zabka
Zabka.

Most memorable commercial featuring a cat: Morris vs. Meow Mix
Tossup. The music favors the latter, but the look (same or similar cats) works for the former. Still, I’m more aural than visual: Meow Mix.

Sadder song: Nothing Compares 2 U vs. Tears in Heaven
I know Tears in Heaven’s about Clapton’s late son, but it never really moved me. The sheer strength of Sinead O’Connor’s performance wins out; better than Prince’s, and he wrote it.

Primo 80s teen queen: Debbie Gibson vs. Tiffany
Tiffany, I suppose, though I was not their demographic even then.

Who’s your maple syrup mama: Mrs. Butterworth vs. Aunt Jemima
The Mrs. Butterworth bottle is iconic; I have an empty bottle in the attic. And Aunt Jemima had the mammy thing going, so I tended to avoid it. Really, though, we always had Log Cabin in the house; have a couple empty bottles of that in the attic, too.

Social networking: Twitter vs. Facebook
Twitter. When I come to Facebook, I have 46 things I’m supposed to do. Just takes too long.

Best talent show ever: Star Search vs. American Idol
Mr. Frog: “I have to go with Star Search, because it seemed more genuinely like a talent show. Idol is all about finding someone who fits neatly into the cookie cutter image of Bland, Inoffensive, Very Marketable Pop Star Who Can Quickly Record an Album You Won’t Buy.” Except that people DO buy them. Almost the only thing people are actually purchasing besides High School Musical and Michael Jackson.

Hotter Simpson sister: Ashlee vs. Jessica
Jessica. Ashley’s just weird looking.

Mightier kick-ass TV car: the General Lee vs. K.I.T.T.
At the time, the rebel flag on the General Lee really bugged me, so I guess K.I.T.T.

Which was the better dance craze: Y.M.C.A. vs. the Macarena
“Better”? The Macarena was the bigger hit, but Yimca is more lasting, so I’d pick that.

Ultimate all-girl pop group: Spice Girls vs. the Pussycat Dolls
Spice Girls. Had actual songs, actual personalities. PCD just seemed like burlesque.

Which invention helped men more: Rogaine vs. Viagra
I’ve been losing my hair since I was 17, so frankly I just don’t get worrying about it. Whereas if I couldn’t, well you know, I’d probably want to get some blue pills.

Most believable man in drag: Mrs. Doubtfire vs. Tootsie
I always thought Tootsie came from a more more real place, and every interview with Dustin Hoffman confirms that. He was an out-of-work, temperamental oaf. But Mrs. Doubtfire certainly learned more from her, er, his charade. Very different intents.

Which sex tape had the bigger impact: Paris Hilton vs. Kim Kardashian
Impact on what? Society? Meh. That said, Paris always seems bored, so Paris is boring.

Which sports anthem pumps you up more: “Rock and Roll, Part 2” vs. “We Will Rock You”
“We Will Rock You”. While overplayed, it ain’t nothing like the ubiquitous “Rock and Roll”.

Perez Hilton: love him or hate him
Pretty much hate him. Frog: “He’s a sad little man, so desperate to be accepted as a celebrity by other celebrities, and at the same time so desperate to be better than them and savage their images with no consequences.”

More controversial rapper: Eminem vs. Snoop Dogg
I think Eminem is a jerk – his relationships with others suggest that. But making a well-received movie and singing with Elton John doesn’t make one controversial. Snoop Dogg just seems like a celebrity wannabe. Frankly don’t know enough about either to care. Frog: “Great quote from ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic: ‘I’m a fan of Eminem, and I love that parody of ‘Purple Rain’ that he did. What was it called? Oh yeah, 8 Mile.”

The Snuggie: genius or crap
Oh, dear. I had to look this up. Maybe five years ago, someone would have given us one to try out and I might actually have had an opinion.

Who wins in a fight: He-Man vs. ThunderCats
With teamwork, I’d think the Cats, but I’m not really versed enough.

Bigger book craze: Da Vinci Code vs. Harry Potter
Harry Potter, hands down. Dan Brown may be rich, but J.K. Rowling’s wealth rivals the Queen of England.

Most entertaining pageant: Westminster dog show vs. Miss America
Until about maybe 1986, Miss America. Seriously, could anyone actually NAME the current Miss America? I can’t. The fact that the contest’s been relegated to cable tells you something. Whereas the Westminster Dog Show has become more prominent. The winner gets mentioned on the news. Couldn’t name that winner either. So maybe it’s a draw, except the beauty pageant has a down arrow. It’s also more diminished by competitors (Miss USA, e.g.) whereas Westminister is the gold standard.

Better talk show host: Conan vs. Letterman
Letterman, but I haven’t watched much Conan interviewing.

Huger Schwarzenegger bad-ass: Conan the Barbarian vs. the Terminator
Conan, but that’s my comic book roots showing.

Who’s more bootylicious: Beyonce vs. J. Lo
Strange, but every time I see Beyonce, I say, “Who’s that?” She looks just slightly different each time. J. Lo by default.

Jerkiest high school principal: Rooney vs. Vernon
Frog: “Vernon was a dick who abused his power and got angry, but Rooney was willing to destroy himself in his efforts to catch Ferris Bueller playing hooky.” I need to see Ferris Bueller again. Saw it once it was OK, but not iconic. Animal House I saw once and it stuck.

Who’s got more cooties: Pete Doherty vs. Amy Winehouse
Yawn. Don’t care.

Steamier bisexual fantasy: Lindsay Lohan vs. Tila Tequila
Frog: “They’re both awful. Now, if we were talking about 2004 Lindsay Lohan, that would be one thing…The whole notion of either one being a steamy fantasy is pretty disgusting.”

Ultimate primetime game show: Wheel of Fortune vs. Jeopardy
Take a wild guess. Actually, even at home, I’m better at J than Wheel. Also, Wheel requires people to feign excitement and yell “Big money! Big money!” while the wheel rotates. No thanks.

Who stole the show: Urkel vs. The Fonz
Both of them did. I liked Fonzie, pretty much until he jumped the shark. That MAY have been one of the last episodes of Happy Days I saw. Whereas I never watched Urkel, couldn’t tell you what the name of the show he was on, and yet he’d ALWAYS be on my TV! Irritating.

Spicier sexpert: Dr. Ruth vs. Sue Johanson
Frog: “Who the hell is Sue Johanson?” Haven’t seen her in years, but always found Ruth entertaining.

Weepiest tear-jerker: Terms of Endearment vs. Steel Magnolias
I hated Tears of Internment. Actually I liked it early, with Jack Nicholson, but I left the theater feeling really irritated. Whereas I saw Magnolias but am hard pressed to remember it.

Who is the flashier showboat: Sanders vs. Owens
Deion has his schtick down pat; Terrell is still figuring it out.

Who is the better royal lay: Prince Harry vs. Prince William
Frog: “I’d go with Prince Harry, because he looks more like his beautiful mother and Prince William is slowly morphing into his father.”

Best TV housekeeper: Mrs. Garrett vs. Alice
Never watched The Brady Bunch while it aired. Always liked Ann B. Davis from the Bob Cummings Show. AND she was born in Schenectady. But I saw Mrs. Garrett more, so I’ll go with her.

Most bad-ass Tarantino flick: Reservoir Dogs vs. Pulp Fiction
Never saw Reservoir Dogs.

Hottest Gilligan castaway: Mary Ann vs. Ginger
Mary Ann. Ginger came off as a manipulative jerk.

Most legendary Hollywood couple: Kermit/Miss Piggy vs. Bogart/Bacall
Frog: “Are you kidding? Muppets always win!”

Bruno vs. Borat
Never saw either, but just from the buzz, I suspect Bruno would irritate me more.

Guiltier reality TV pleasure: Rock of Love vs. Flavor of Love
I’ve never watched either show. Is Flavor the one with Flavor Flav?

Ultimate female movie psycho: Glenn Close vs. Kathy Bates
Frog: “Glenn Close. Annie Wilkes was scary, but Alex Forrest was sexy and enticing, which makes her even deadlier. Because Annie is someone you don’t want to be trapped with, and Alex is.” I did see Misery, never saw the bunny cooker film Fatal Attraction, but have seen enough clips.

Who has the most fabulous reality show: Tyra Banks vs. Heidi Klum
Have no idea. Fabulous and reality show in the same sentence?

Which are cuter: kittens vs. puppies
Most animals are cute, but I’ll give the edge to the felines.

The Hills: Genius or Dumb
I’ve never seen a minute of it, yet from what I read it sounds very stupid.

Who’s the bigger political cad: Edwards vs. Clinton
Clinton, if only because it seems he did it more often. Still, lying about sex oughtn’t to be an impeachable offense. (Lying about war? Well, yeah.) And Ken Starr served no interest but prurient when he had a website filled with the smallest details.

Does disco suck: yes or no
No. Lots of dance music still derives from it. Scott reminded me that this year is the 30th anniversary of Disco Demolition Night, which I thought was lame, even before the outcome.

Coolest TV cop pair: CHiPs vs. Miami Vice
I rather liked Miami Vice early, but I grew weary. CHiPs made me weary from the outset.

Most memorable commercial featuring an old lady: Where’s the beef? vs. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” has far more practical applications. “Where’s the beef?” is specific to a time (the 1980s,) a place (Wendy’s) and an actress (Clara Peller), whereas “I’ve fallen” has more universality.

Hotter Charlie’s Angels trio: the 2000s vs. the 70s
Though I wasn’t a fan of either, I’ll say the 1970s. Had a crush on Kate Jackson, who I knew from an earlier ABC show called The Rookies. She played the wife of one of the young cops. And Jaclyn Smith even now is hotter than any from the more recent edition.

Boxers vs. Briefs
Own more briefs, prefer boxers.

Battle of the 80s charity songs: “We Are the World” vs. “Do They Know It’s Christmas”
“Christmas” always bugged me lyrically. Most of “them” aren’t Christians; why SHOULD they know it’s Christmas? And “World” has Ray Charles, not to mention Dylan trying to sing in tune.

Ugliest sports injury ever: Holyfield vs. Theisman
Theisman’s, which I saw in real time, was way more horrific.

Raddest video game craze: Pac-Man vs. Donkey Kong
Pac Man, definitely. Played DK occasionally, but Pac Man and especially the Ms. a LOT.

Who would you rather adopt: Arnold vs. Webster
Arnold was funnier. Webster was more like an angry old (and short) man. Watched the former occasionally, the latter as little as possible.

Lady GaGa vs. Katy Perry
Must say that I know Perry only for the “I Kissed A Girl” that was inferior to the same-named song by Jill Sobule in the mid-1990s. Here’s an interesting take on Perry, Jonas Brothers and Craig Ferguson. But Katy Pery is kinda cute, while Lady GaGa has these outfits that make her look like a space alien. Also, GaGa’s’s been promoted big time by Perez Hilton, who’s a putz.

Who’s tougher: Rambo vs. Rocky
Frog: “Rocky. He went the distance.” Having said that, I saw five Rocky pictures but zero Rambo flicks.

Best boy band: ‘NSync vs. New Kids on the Block
They are the same group in my mind.

The Jerry Springer Show: trash or gold
Trash, trash, trash, under the guise of being helpful. I found it hysterical that he recently appeared on Dancing with the Stars. Probably trying to redeem his very tainted image.

Super Harrison Ford hero: Han Solo vs. Indiana Jones
Frog: “I love them both, but Indy always seemed more human to me.” And Sean Connery MADE the third film for me.

Top pop princess: Britney vs. Christina
I suppose Christina.

Scariest serial killer: Freddy vs. Jason
I only saw the guy in the mask once and Freddy not at all. Frog: “Freddy attacks you in your dreams, which is much scarier. I mean, I can stay out of the woods but I can’t avoid going to sleep.” One of the oddities of my life is that I sold Freddy Krueger masks and (plastic) claws when I worked at FantaCo in the 1980s, mostly via mail order. We sold a LOT of them; THAT I thought was really scary. We tried to sell Jason masks, but it’s really just a variation on a hockey mask, and it didn’t move that well.

Boobs: fake vs. real
What an odd question. In fact I have no basis for comparison. There are all sorts of legit reasons for artificial enhancements.

Mega music mogul: Diddy vs. Jay Z
Diddy annoyed me years ago, Jay-Z more recently.

Geekiest fans: Star Wars vs. Star Trek
Tough question. Both groups have kvetched about things that aren’t part of the “canon”. I declare it a draw. Of course, if you throw in Doctor Who, as Mike Sterling did recently, I’d be inclined to lean towards the good Doctor.

Team Aniston vs. Team Jolie
Don’t care. It’s their – and Pitt’s – business, not mine.

Bigger blockbuster craze: Jurassic Park vs. Titanic
Titanic was the bigger movie, but JP was a series, with action figures and the like. I enjoyed the soundtracks to Titanic, especially the second one.

Greatest band of all time: Beatles vs. Rolling Stones
I must say the Beatles’ early albums were better than the Stones’ early collections. Don’t think the Stones had a decent ALBUM until Aftermath (featuring “Paint It, Black”). Then they both had solid runs, the Beatles broke up but the Stones CONTINUED to have good tunes. I’ll pick the Beatles because their songwriting had a greater cultural appreciation, but it’s a slim margin.

Supreme diva: Whitney vs. Mariah
I liked Whitney Houston early on. Mariah seemed to need to irritatingly infuse her five-octave voice everywhere, all the time. Then Whitney got with Bobby Brown and became a sad persona, while Mariah freed herself from Tommy Mottola – Emancipation of Mimi, indeed – and seems a whole lot more together when she got married again relatively recently. So depends on the definition of diva.

Which alien would you rather party with: ALF vs. ET
Frog: “They both seem like lame party guests. And I couldn’t go the whole night without strangling ALF to death.”

Simpsons vs. Family Guy
Frog: “The Simpsons, at least the first 10 seasons, is one of the funniest shows in history.”

Best pop star ever: Madonna vs. Michael Jackson
Frog: “Michael Jackson. His musical output up to about 1989 is amazing, and Madonna… well, everything of hers I liked can probably fit on one CD.” In fact, I have my one greatest hits of Madonna’s tunes, while I have a lot of J5 and a couple MJ albums.

Fiercest supermodel biatch: Naomi Campbell vs. Janice Dickinson
I’ve never watch, but the little I’ve read suggests that Janice Dickinson is less well hinged. Oh, and I hate the word biatch.

Which baseball franchise rules: Red Sox vs. Yankees
The Yankees ruled the 20th Century, the Red Sox the 21st – so far.

Sexiest ‘stache: Burt Reynolds vs. Tom Selleck
Frog: “Burt. That ‘stache is what all ‘staches aspire to.”

Worst celebrity excuse: Simpson’s acid reflux vs. Piven’s mercury poisoning
Must say, I have no idea what these are about. But I’ve had acid reflux.

Biggest fall from grace: George Michael vs. Boy George
George Michael, if only because he was a much bigger star.

Greatest cheestastic Broadway show on Earth: Cats vs. Phantom
Frog: “They’re both incredibly cheesy, but Phantom of the Opera has better music. And a plot.”

Who cares more about the world: Sting vs. Bono
I know Bono comes off preachy and sanctimonious, but he’s had an impact. Still the question of who cares more is unanswerable, because I can’t see into their hearts.

Least arousing sex book: Joy of Sex vs. Madonna’s Sex
I read Joy of Sex when I was 16 and, er, learned stuff. (I think it on Arthur at AmeriNZ’s podcast where someone was noting that Joy of Sex was either heterocentric or homophobic; not having looked at it in 40 years, I’ll have to check that out.) Frog: “Madonna’s book is an over-the-top gynecology exam, far too cynical and cold to really be sexy.”

Would you rather be a Flintstone or a Jetson?
Frog: “A Jetson. It’s a convenience issue.” I’m still waiting for my Rosie to clean up the place.

Most indestructible rocker: Ozzy Osbourne vs. Keith Richards
Frog: “Keef!”

Most hideous footwear trend: Crocs vs. Uggs
I’m fashion blind. If you put them each in front of me, I’d only have a 50/50 chance of sussing out which was which.

Funniest TV foreigner: Balki vs. Latka
Frog: “Latka. I am one of those ‘Andy Kaufman was a genius’ people.”

Better buzz: Red Bull vs. Jolt
I’ve never had either.

Which member of The View would you eat first if stranded on a desert island?
Frog: “Sherri Sheppard. She’s a moron, the world will never miss her. Plus, she’ll provide a longer store.”

Best cartoon pet: Snoopy vs. Garfield
Frog: “I have to go with Snoopy. Garfield tends to lay around and be cynical, but Snoopy’s so many things–a World War I flying ace, a novelist, a vulture, Joe Cool, and he can dance.”

Best Jersey export: Bruce Springsteen vs. Bon Jovi
Hmm. I have over a dozen Springsteen albums, he’s helped to note the contributions of Pete Seeger, and I went to see him in concert this year. I have zero Bon Jovi albums, and I have no desire to them in concert. Easy choice. Jon Bon Jovi, though, does own a football team; I always wanted to own a sports team, at least in the abstract, so that’s one in his favor.

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