In the Social Q’s column of the New York Times for March 18 was a piece titled My Relative Takes Forever to Reply to My Texts. What Can I Do? The subhead: Stung by a family member’s laggardly response times, a reader considers confronting the issue head-on: “Do you make all your friends wait like this?”
I thought it was an absurd question. The response, in part: “Here’s my view, along with a suggestion: Sending texts to people does not obligate them to respond on our timetable. Still, I know that mismatched feelings of closeness can be hurtful in relationships. If that’s your concern here, stop sending idle texts and suggest an activity in real life: a dinner date or a walk in the park. Because it’s shared experiences that make us closer — not keystrokes.”
This reader response, I thought, was the usual rule of thumb: Not all texts are the same. Some require an immediate answer: “Where are you? We were supposed to meet here 10 minutes ago.” Some do not: ” I am having a wonderful day gardening – it’s gorgeous out. (and so on for a full paragraph).” The whole point of texting is that a reply can be quick or not, depending on the circumstances. Let it go.
Another reader comment: My cellphone is for my convenience, not anybody else’s. I’ll get around to texting you back when I deem it sufficiently important. Plus, the older I get, the harder it is to text on that tiny little screen without a zillion typos. Which, again, because I am old, I am compelled to correct before sending. This is definitely true. I hate the physical act of texting, as I tend to hit two keys at once. At least, I’ve (mostly) figured out the jargon.
Generational
This reader comment is dead on: Believe it or not, there are those of us who came of age in the pre-cellphone age for whom texting is not a primary form of communication. We get around to reading and responding to texts when we get to them. I’m 75; I have a landline, and sometimes I don’t check my cellphone (when I can find it) for texts for days on end, which I admit can be a problem at times, but that’s simply the way it is.
Even in my generation, I was not an “early adopter.” We too have a landline, in part so that I can call and FIND my cellphone. I DON’T go days on end, but it might be for hours.
I’ve chosen to treat my cellphone like a regular phone. If I’m involved with something else, including downtime, I don’t answer or respond. I’m in full resistance to the distraction economy.
One of the things I used to do was look at my phone as soon as I got up in the morning in my office upstairs. Then my wife’s charger went on the fritz. So now my wife and I both charge our phones on a device with multiple charger ports that I bought for our 2023 trip to France. It’s downstairs. This is SO much better for my mental health.
There were hundreds more comments, but these hit the spot.
In the comic strip ZITS, there was a two-day stretch on March 25 and 26 about Jeremy, the 15-year-old protagonist, getting upset that his friend Hector wasn’t replying to his texts. It felt about right.
I see my cellphone as a tool, not an extension of myself to be used at my discretion. But you may have a different relationship with your cellphone.
The broader issue
In the New York Times essay, No Wonder You Can’t Concentrate, Cal Newport addresses my broader concerns. Here’s just one paragraph:
Many of these declines in cognitive skills became notable starting in the mid-2010s, exactly the period when smartphones became ubiquitous and the digital attention economy exploded in size. An increasing amount of research implies that this timing is no coincidence. A meta-analysis released last fall showed that consuming short-form video content, as delivered by apps like TikTok and Instagram, is associated with poorer cognition and reduced attention, and the results of a clever experiment from 2023 found that the mere presence of participants’ smartphones in a room significantly reduced their ability to concentrate.
I find that my phone being off, downstairs, or, recently, “accidentally” left at home has created a level of relaxation I had not experienced in a while.
So I WILL text you back eventually. Probably, assuming you are not spam, which you often are tracked as being.
