I’m Cold

It was 71 degrees less than two weeks ago; yesterday morning it was 3. By mid-January, I’ve usually gotten used to the cold, but I think my blood’s too thin with all of this mild weather.

Sunday past, we had black ice. I started out for church, almost wiped out four times before I got to the third house, and I returned home. I fared better than my good friend Janna, who stepped onto a curb and somehow broke her foot. Monday at 8 a.m., it was fine, but by 9:30, when I’m coming back from the Y, and Carol’s taking Lydia to day care, freezing rain made sidewalks feel as though they’d been Zambonied.

This weather always reminds me of a song I wrote when I was in college. Yeah, I know the rhyme’s a little imprecise. There’s a third verse, but it’s filthy; it ends with the same couplet as verse two. Let your imaginations go wild.

Inspired by Billy the Kid by Aaron Copland. Or was it Billy Joel?


I’m cold, I’m cold, I’m cold (X2).

I was ridin’ down the Owen Trail.
My horse had an accident; lost its tail.
A dangerous criminal I’m s’posed to find.
It was 30 below; I changed my mind.


Next day, sheriff caught the fella.
He said, “What’s wrong? You turnin’ yella?”
I said, “It’s not that I lack gumption,
But when it’s cold, I just can’t function.”

I’m cold, I’m cold, I’m cold (X2).
If there is a hell below,
It won’t be too hot, it’ll be too cold.
I’m cold, I’m cold, I’m cold (X2).

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