July Ramblin’

When the swine flu – I’m sorry, the H1N1 virus – was first announced in the spring, I was feeling bit peevish about the pundits who seemed to think that the government – actually world governments – were making too much of the disease. Frankly, i think it was due to lack of understanding of the nomenclature. We don’t know what a Level 6 (pandemic, declared weeks ago) feels like. We understand gradations of temperature, the difference between a Category 1 and category 3 hurricane or a 3.6 earthquake vs. a 6.6. Anyway here’s John Berry’s 2009 WHITE PAPER ON NOVEL H1N1 (PDF). Barry wrote the book The Great Influenza about the 1918 flu epidemic: “Three of the preceding four pandemics, 1889, 1918, and 1957, show clear evidence of some fairly intense but sporadic initial local outbreaks scattered around the world.

“The novel H1N1 virus seems thus far to be following the pattern of those three pandemics, and it seems highly likely that it will return in full flower. If the virus is fully adapted to and efficient at infecting humans, this would occur soon, possibly during the influenza season in the southern hemisphere or possibly a few months later in the northern hemisphere. The 1918 and 1957 viruses both exploded in September and October in the northern hemisphere, even though this is not the influenza season.

“If the virus needs further adaptation to become fully efficient in infecting humans, that could be delayed, quite possibly a year or two later. It seems very unlikely that this virus will peter out.”
***
Got this e-mail: Black Male Teachers – Do you know any Black males who are seniors in high school who want to go to college out of state for “FREE” ? Several Black Colleges are looking for future black male teachers and will send them to universities/colleges for 4 years FREE .

The ‘Call Me MISTER’ program is an effort to address the critical shortage of African American male teachers particularly among South Carolina ‘s lowest performing public schools . Program participants are selected from among under-served, socio-economically disadvantaged and educationally at-risk communities…

Visit here for more details and the online application or call (800) 640-2657.

But if you GO to that page, you’ll ALSO read “Please read this memo regarding an email hoax that provides misinformation about our program.”
It has been brought to our attention that an erroneous e-mail, rife with inaccuracies and misinformation about the Call Me MISTER Program, is making its way around the country. Said e-mail makes such false claims as “South Carolina HBCUs offer FREE TUITION” and our program is for “African American MALES ONLY”, neither of which is true. While we do offer tuition assistance and book support, plus a small stipend to defray other associated costs of attending college, we DO NOT now offer, nor have we ever offered, a full scholarship.
Myths need to be debunked.
***
Lean times in L.A. County leave no money for the dead. This is a story about more people opting for cremation. As someone heavily influence by Jessica Mitford’s The American Way of Death, I applaud the trend, even if it’s being done out of economic necessity.
***
On a lighter note, from Yahoo! Food: 5 Summer Food Mysteries Solved. I KNEW the ice cream one to be true.
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My wife and her class saw the movie The Yes Men last weekend. “Shocking and funny,” she described it. as it turned out there was an article in the local paper about the movie’s follow-up, now playing on HBO and perhaps coming to a theater near you.
***
Paul McCartney returns to the Ed Sullivan Theater as he appears on Letterman, 45 years after his first appearance on “The Ed Sullivan Show.” Paul at Citi Field, NYC.
***Amusing and even educational. Church Advertising
***
This video was made in the Antwerp, Belgium Central (Train) Station on the 23rd of March 2009. With no warning to the passengers passing through the station, at 08:00 am a recording of Julie Andrews singing ‘Do, Re, Mi’ began to play on the public address system.” As the bemused passengers watch in amazement, some 200 dancers begin to appear from the crowd and station entrances.
***
A final goodbye for S. Palin, YouTube fodder from last year, but what they hey.

ROG

Poison Ivy


A good friend of mine got a case of poison ivy last week. Of course, it itched liked crazy. after passing along my concern, my mind (as usual) went to music, specifically a song I heard when I was a kid. “I think it was the Coasters,” I thought, “and certainly it was written by Leiber & Stoller.” And so it was.

I checked out the Wikipedia post on the song, and according to the post, “the song’s lyrics are about sexually-transmitted disease”, rather than the diseases stated in the bridge of the song:
Measles make you bumpy
Mumps’ll make you lumpy
Chicken Pox’ll make you jump and twitch
Common cold’ll fool you
Whooping cough’ll cool you
Poison Ivy’s love’ll make you itch

I did not know that.

This song went up to #7 in the pop charts in 1959, and to #1 on the R&B charts.

I don’t garden – my wife does – and I’ve been lucky enough to avoid it while mowing the lawn.

(I HAVE used calamine lotion, though, after an allergic reaction to penicillin when I was 16; as Steve Stills said at Woodstock, “Three days, man, three days!)

The map below shows the native habitat for Toxicodendron radicans (L.) Kuntze ssp. negundo (Greene) Gillis, eastern poison ivy

ROG

Irwin Corey is 95


“If we don’t change direction soon, we’ll end up where we’re going.” – Professor Irwin Corey
Irwin Corey – I’m related to him! (Well not really, but sorta. Pay attention: the quiz is brutal.)

My maternal grandmother (Gertrude Yates Williams) had a brother, Ernest Yates.
Ernie married Charlotte Berman.
Charlotte’s sister was Frances Berman.
Frances was married to Irwin.
So Irwin is my great aunt’s brother-in-law.

I need to explain that Aunt Charlotte was one of my closest relatives, not biologically but in terms of the effect she had on my life. My mom, who was an only child, really didn’t know the relatives on her father’s side until after her mother died in the 1980s.

Gertrude had three surviving siblings (one died as a child). Deana had no children, Ed had children much later in life. So it was Ernie’s four kids, Raymond, Fran, Donald and Robert, who were my mother’s first cousins, her closest relatives. And until the mid 1950s, when Ernest died, they all lived near Binghamton. So Aunt Charlotte was a pivotal character in my mother’s life, and the lives of my sisters and me, as we (with my father) would go down to their large house in Queens at least a couple times a year. Since my father was ALSO an only child, my sisters and I have no first cousins, and it was Charlotte’s grandchildren who were the closest thing to contemporary cousins, even though they were 2nd cousins once removed (I think).

For reasons that I can no longer remember, I was at Irwin Corey’s house on the Island (that’s Long Island to you) when I was a kid. Irwin and Fran weren’t there. While we thought Charlotte’s house in St. Albans was large, I recall that Irwin’s house was huge, at least to my mind.

We always made a point of watching Professor Irwin Corey, The World’s Foremost Authority, when he appeared on various TV variety shows. I wasn’t sure that it was a shtick; Irwin really DID seem to know an great deal, and would explain things in convoluted ways. I’d run into Irwin at various family functions of the Berman tribe, such as weddings and funerals.

The last two times I saw Irwin was at Charlotte’s 80th and 88th birthday parties, in 1994 and 2002, respectively. He could be funny, but also coarse, vulgar and a bit obtuse. He gave a toast at the 80th birthday party and rambled on about Richard Nixon (not favorably), among other things, and no one could really stop him. When we met for Charlotte’s 88th birthday – Charlotte died few years ago, before reaching her 89th – Irwin started pontificating again, but this time, a couple of the relatives cut him off with a “Thank you, Irwin”; he must have lost a step.

Irwin and Charlotte both were part of that 1930s Socialist tradition and never truly strayed from it.

Here’s some Irwin monologue and a 2008 New York times article. This is a great picture; note especially the hat. Have a listen to Irwin.
ROG

B is for Binghamton

Binghamton is a city located on the Southern Tier of New York State. It is the county seat of Broome County. It was named after a rich guy named William Bingham, how owned the land in the 1790s. Yet, the place has often been misspelled as Binghampton, as though it were part of the Hamptons of Long Island. Google “Binghampton” and you’ll find some references to Binghamptons in Illinois and Tennessee, among others, but also many erroneously referring to a place in in New York State, such as this one. The most egregious error I ever saw was on a road map book. The New York State map actually was accurate, but the Pennsylvania map – Binghamton is less than 20 miles from the PA border – spelled it Binghampton. It’s BINGHAMton, town of Bingham.

Why am I obsessing on this? Because it’s my hometown.

You can read about Binghamton in its Wikipedia posting, and it seems accurate as far as it goes. It is at the confluence of two rivers; I was almost arrested for swimming in one once, a long time ago. It WAS called the Parlor City, and I recall a Parlor City Shoe Store when I was lived there in the 1960s.

I grew up in the First Ward of Binghamton, or “The Ward”, a melting pot of largely people of southern and eastern European stock (Italian, Czech, Ukrainian, Russian, and especially Polish). I remember halupki and pierogies, plus the regional favorite, the spiedie.

Binghamton’s school district used to do something quite interesting when I was growing up. Instead of starting school only in September, kids could start in September or February. the kids that started in the winter had birthdays in December through March, generally. While my sisters (born in May and July) went to school in September, I started in February because my birthday was in March. Of course, our class sizer was smaller because it was taken from a different calendar pool. One of the things I recall is that, while we had the same teacher for kindergarten (Miss Cady) all year, we had eight different teachers for Grades 1 through 4. At least two of the teachers left because they were “in the family way”, as they used to call pregnancy.

What was particularly important in my growing up was that our school, Daniel S. Dickinson, was a K-9 school, with the younger kids on the lowest floor and the junior high kids on the third floor. There were 16 kids in my sixth grade class, nine (including me) who had gone to kindergarten together. Seventh grade meant an infusion from other elementary schools including the Catholic parochial school nearby. Yet by the end of ninth grade, we still only had 16 kids, including the same none from K. Dickinson was razed a couple decades ago for a housing development.

I went to Binghamton Central High School back in the day when there were two public schools, Central and North. The declining city population, from over 80,000 in 1950 to under 50,000 in 2000 meant that the blue and white of the Central HS Bulldogs and the red and blue of the North HS Indians gave way in 1982 to the red, white and blue of the Binghamton HS Patriots.

For many years, the area used to have a baseball team called the Triplets, named for Triple Cities of Binghamton, Johnson City and Endicott, though the latter two were actually villages rather than cities. It was never called, in my hearing/reading, Binghamton Triplets except in out-of-town box scores. It was primarily a farm team of the New York Yankees, though other teams had brief affiliations. Johnson Field, in Johnson City, was razed in the late 1960s that Route 17, the major east/west corridor from the northern suburbs of New York City to western New York State, could be rerouted through the area. Binghamton was without a minor league baseball team (or stadium for same) until the early 1990s, when the Binghamton Mets, a farm team of the New York Mets, came to town.

I recall vividly Christmas Eve 1971 when downtown Binghamton was bustling with activity at McLean’s and Fowler’s department stores, plus a variety of other shops. The decline in downtown was easily visible to anyone who had been there over time, with one department store, Boscov’s in the old Fowler’s building now a primary guardian against a massive collapse of the downtown business district.

I know it’s a story not unusual in the so-called Rust Belt of the Northeast and Midwest United States, where formerly thriving industrial towns are now struggling. I myself thought of Binghamton like the Simon & Garfunkel song My Little Town; Billy Joel’s Allentown also comes to mind. It is, though, http://www.streetsblog.org/2006/09/11/binghamton-revitalizing-around-livable-downtown/ trying to make a comeback.

Still, it was where I was rooted. It is a comfortable place to return from time to time. I mean, it’s the carousel capital of America; the one in Recreation Park inspired Rod Serling, who grew up in Binghamton in the late 1930s, to write an episode of his television series, the Twilight Zone in the 1960s. So it was with no small bit of surreal horror when I discovered on April 3 of this year, that my little town was the site of another case of mass violence. I don’t have much more to say on it than I said here, except to reiterate that it wasn’t just an assault on the city, but of the specific location, one with which I had more than passing familiarity.

Binghamton was incorporated as a village in 1834, so this year marks 175 years since that event, though it wasn’t incorporated as a city until 1867. I wish my hometown hope and healing.

The map is c. 1920. The high school noted was my high school, the cemetery south of Prospect Street is Spring Forest Cemetery, where my material grandmother and many of her relatives are buried, and very close to where she lived. I lived just off Front Street, north of the railroad tracks. The First Ward is north of the tracks and west of the north/south running Chenango River.

ROG

The Great Debate

SamuraiFrog doesn’t even know what VH1’s The Great Debate is, yet does this survey that’s based on it. Well, I’m likewise oblivious, but that won’t stop me from taking a crack at it.

Worst thing to happen to a penis on film: There’s Something About Mary vs. Porky’s
There’s Something About Mary. I must have seen Porky’s, but I don’t recall what happens. Yet I’ve NEVER seen Something About Mary, yet know precisely what happens. Mary by default – ouch.

Most effective PSA: Crying Indian vs. Your Brain on Drugs
Crying Indian. I always thought Brain was unintentionally hilarious, but I didn’t want to disappoint the Indian, after all we had done to his people.

Best teen soap: 90210 vs. The O.C.
Rarely saw Beverly Hills 90210, and never saw the sequel. Never saw The O.C. either but its press coverage just irritated me.

Dreamiest Travolta Stud: Tony Manero vs. Danny Zuko
Tony Manero, big time. Saturday Night Fever is a WAY better movie than Grease, and has better music to boot.

Kanye West: musical genius or tool?
Don’t know well enough to say.

Hotter Russian tennis babe: Maria Sharapova vs. Anna Kournikova
Sharapova, maybe because she’s a better player. Talent is hot.

Which is the better Hulk: Hulk Hogan vs. Incredible Hulk
Never cared one way or the other about Hulk Hogan. Watched Bill Bixby turn into Lou Ferrigno AND bought the comic book.

Most hated reality show villain: Omarosa vs. Spencer Pratt
I actually watched Omorosa on The Apprentice and she was just overly competitive. Her more recent appearances seem like schtick, the little I’ve seen. But Spencer and his friends are just mosquitoes.

Which was the wildest toy craze: Cabbage Patch Kids vs. Tickle Me Elmo
I found Cabbage Patch Kids utterly scary at the time. Tickle Me Elmo was just a surprise hit.

Who is the bigger attention whore: Chriss Angel vs. David Blaine
I’ve seen Angel’s name, but I know who Blaine is.

Ultimate 80s teen villain: James Spader vs. Billy Zabka
Zabka.

Most memorable commercial featuring a cat: Morris vs. Meow Mix
Tossup. The music favors the latter, but the look (same or similar cats) works for the former. Still, I’m more aural than visual: Meow Mix.

Sadder song: Nothing Compares 2 U vs. Tears in Heaven
I know Tears in Heaven’s about Clapton’s late son, but it never really moved me. The sheer strength of Sinead O’Connor’s performance wins out; better than Prince’s, and he wrote it.

Primo 80s teen queen: Debbie Gibson vs. Tiffany
Tiffany, I suppose, though I was not their demographic even then.

Who’s your maple syrup mama: Mrs. Butterworth vs. Aunt Jemima
The Mrs. Butterworth bottle is iconic; I have an empty bottle in the attic. And Aunt Jemima had the mammy thing going, so I tended to avoid it. Really, though, we always had Log Cabin in the house; have a couple empty bottles of that in the attic, too.

Social networking: Twitter vs. Facebook
Twitter. When I come to Facebook, I have 46 things I’m supposed to do. Just takes too long.

Best talent show ever: Star Search vs. American Idol
Mr. Frog: “I have to go with Star Search, because it seemed more genuinely like a talent show. Idol is all about finding someone who fits neatly into the cookie cutter image of Bland, Inoffensive, Very Marketable Pop Star Who Can Quickly Record an Album You Won’t Buy.” Except that people DO buy them. Almost the only thing people are actually purchasing besides High School Musical and Michael Jackson.

Hotter Simpson sister: Ashlee vs. Jessica
Jessica. Ashley’s just weird looking.

Mightier kick-ass TV car: the General Lee vs. K.I.T.T.
At the time, the rebel flag on the General Lee really bugged me, so I guess K.I.T.T.

Which was the better dance craze: Y.M.C.A. vs. the Macarena
“Better”? The Macarena was the bigger hit, but Yimca is more lasting, so I’d pick that.

Ultimate all-girl pop group: Spice Girls vs. the Pussycat Dolls
Spice Girls. Had actual songs, actual personalities. PCD just seemed like burlesque.

Which invention helped men more: Rogaine vs. Viagra
I’ve been losing my hair since I was 17, so frankly I just don’t get worrying about it. Whereas if I couldn’t, well you know, I’d probably want to get some blue pills.

Most believable man in drag: Mrs. Doubtfire vs. Tootsie
I always thought Tootsie came from a more more real place, and every interview with Dustin Hoffman confirms that. He was an out-of-work, temperamental oaf. But Mrs. Doubtfire certainly learned more from her, er, his charade. Very different intents.

Which sex tape had the bigger impact: Paris Hilton vs. Kim Kardashian
Impact on what? Society? Meh. That said, Paris always seems bored, so Paris is boring.

Which sports anthem pumps you up more: “Rock and Roll, Part 2” vs. “We Will Rock You”
“We Will Rock You”. While overplayed, it ain’t nothing like the ubiquitous “Rock and Roll”.

Perez Hilton: love him or hate him
Pretty much hate him. Frog: “He’s a sad little man, so desperate to be accepted as a celebrity by other celebrities, and at the same time so desperate to be better than them and savage their images with no consequences.”

More controversial rapper: Eminem vs. Snoop Dogg
I think Eminem is a jerk – his relationships with others suggest that. But making a well-received movie and singing with Elton John doesn’t make one controversial. Snoop Dogg just seems like a celebrity wannabe. Frankly don’t know enough about either to care. Frog: “Great quote from ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic: ‘I’m a fan of Eminem, and I love that parody of ‘Purple Rain’ that he did. What was it called? Oh yeah, 8 Mile.”

The Snuggie: genius or crap
Oh, dear. I had to look this up. Maybe five years ago, someone would have given us one to try out and I might actually have had an opinion.

Who wins in a fight: He-Man vs. ThunderCats
With teamwork, I’d think the Cats, but I’m not really versed enough.

Bigger book craze: Da Vinci Code vs. Harry Potter
Harry Potter, hands down. Dan Brown may be rich, but J.K. Rowling’s wealth rivals the Queen of England.

Most entertaining pageant: Westminster dog show vs. Miss America
Until about maybe 1986, Miss America. Seriously, could anyone actually NAME the current Miss America? I can’t. The fact that the contest’s been relegated to cable tells you something. Whereas the Westminster Dog Show has become more prominent. The winner gets mentioned on the news. Couldn’t name that winner either. So maybe it’s a draw, except the beauty pageant has a down arrow. It’s also more diminished by competitors (Miss USA, e.g.) whereas Westminister is the gold standard.

Better talk show host: Conan vs. Letterman
Letterman, but I haven’t watched much Conan interviewing.

Huger Schwarzenegger bad-ass: Conan the Barbarian vs. the Terminator
Conan, but that’s my comic book roots showing.

Who’s more bootylicious: Beyonce vs. J. Lo
Strange, but every time I see Beyonce, I say, “Who’s that?” She looks just slightly different each time. J. Lo by default.

Jerkiest high school principal: Rooney vs. Vernon
Frog: “Vernon was a dick who abused his power and got angry, but Rooney was willing to destroy himself in his efforts to catch Ferris Bueller playing hooky.” I need to see Ferris Bueller again. Saw it once it was OK, but not iconic. Animal House I saw once and it stuck.

Who’s got more cooties: Pete Doherty vs. Amy Winehouse
Yawn. Don’t care.

Steamier bisexual fantasy: Lindsay Lohan vs. Tila Tequila
Frog: “They’re both awful. Now, if we were talking about 2004 Lindsay Lohan, that would be one thing…The whole notion of either one being a steamy fantasy is pretty disgusting.”

Ultimate primetime game show: Wheel of Fortune vs. Jeopardy
Take a wild guess. Actually, even at home, I’m better at J than Wheel. Also, Wheel requires people to feign excitement and yell “Big money! Big money!” while the wheel rotates. No thanks.

Who stole the show: Urkel vs. The Fonz
Both of them did. I liked Fonzie, pretty much until he jumped the shark. That MAY have been one of the last episodes of Happy Days I saw. Whereas I never watched Urkel, couldn’t tell you what the name of the show he was on, and yet he’d ALWAYS be on my TV! Irritating.

Spicier sexpert: Dr. Ruth vs. Sue Johanson
Frog: “Who the hell is Sue Johanson?” Haven’t seen her in years, but always found Ruth entertaining.

Weepiest tear-jerker: Terms of Endearment vs. Steel Magnolias
I hated Tears of Internment. Actually I liked it early, with Jack Nicholson, but I left the theater feeling really irritated. Whereas I saw Magnolias but am hard pressed to remember it.

Who is the flashier showboat: Sanders vs. Owens
Deion has his schtick down pat; Terrell is still figuring it out.

Who is the better royal lay: Prince Harry vs. Prince William
Frog: “I’d go with Prince Harry, because he looks more like his beautiful mother and Prince William is slowly morphing into his father.”

Best TV housekeeper: Mrs. Garrett vs. Alice
Never watched The Brady Bunch while it aired. Always liked Ann B. Davis from the Bob Cummings Show. AND she was born in Schenectady. But I saw Mrs. Garrett more, so I’ll go with her.

Most bad-ass Tarantino flick: Reservoir Dogs vs. Pulp Fiction
Never saw Reservoir Dogs.

Hottest Gilligan castaway: Mary Ann vs. Ginger
Mary Ann. Ginger came off as a manipulative jerk.

Most legendary Hollywood couple: Kermit/Miss Piggy vs. Bogart/Bacall
Frog: “Are you kidding? Muppets always win!”

Bruno vs. Borat
Never saw either, but just from the buzz, I suspect Bruno would irritate me more.

Guiltier reality TV pleasure: Rock of Love vs. Flavor of Love
I’ve never watched either show. Is Flavor the one with Flavor Flav?

Ultimate female movie psycho: Glenn Close vs. Kathy Bates
Frog: “Glenn Close. Annie Wilkes was scary, but Alex Forrest was sexy and enticing, which makes her even deadlier. Because Annie is someone you don’t want to be trapped with, and Alex is.” I did see Misery, never saw the bunny cooker film Fatal Attraction, but have seen enough clips.

Who has the most fabulous reality show: Tyra Banks vs. Heidi Klum
Have no idea. Fabulous and reality show in the same sentence?

Which are cuter: kittens vs. puppies
Most animals are cute, but I’ll give the edge to the felines.

The Hills: Genius or Dumb
I’ve never seen a minute of it, yet from what I read it sounds very stupid.

Who’s the bigger political cad: Edwards vs. Clinton
Clinton, if only because it seems he did it more often. Still, lying about sex oughtn’t to be an impeachable offense. (Lying about war? Well, yeah.) And Ken Starr served no interest but prurient when he had a website filled with the smallest details.

Does disco suck: yes or no
No. Lots of dance music still derives from it. Scott reminded me that this year is the 30th anniversary of Disco Demolition Night, which I thought was lame, even before the outcome.

Coolest TV cop pair: CHiPs vs. Miami Vice
I rather liked Miami Vice early, but I grew weary. CHiPs made me weary from the outset.

Most memorable commercial featuring an old lady: Where’s the beef? vs. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” has far more practical applications. “Where’s the beef?” is specific to a time (the 1980s,) a place (Wendy’s) and an actress (Clara Peller), whereas “I’ve fallen” has more universality.

Hotter Charlie’s Angels trio: the 2000s vs. the 70s
Though I wasn’t a fan of either, I’ll say the 1970s. Had a crush on Kate Jackson, who I knew from an earlier ABC show called The Rookies. She played the wife of one of the young cops. And Jaclyn Smith even now is hotter than any from the more recent edition.

Boxers vs. Briefs
Own more briefs, prefer boxers.

Battle of the 80s charity songs: “We Are the World” vs. “Do They Know It’s Christmas”
“Christmas” always bugged me lyrically. Most of “them” aren’t Christians; why SHOULD they know it’s Christmas? And “World” has Ray Charles, not to mention Dylan trying to sing in tune.

Ugliest sports injury ever: Holyfield vs. Theisman
Theisman’s, which I saw in real time, was way more horrific.

Raddest video game craze: Pac-Man vs. Donkey Kong
Pac Man, definitely. Played DK occasionally, but Pac Man and especially the Ms. a LOT.

Who would you rather adopt: Arnold vs. Webster
Arnold was funnier. Webster was more like an angry old (and short) man. Watched the former occasionally, the latter as little as possible.

Lady GaGa vs. Katy Perry
Must say that I know Perry only for the “I Kissed A Girl” that was inferior to the same-named song by Jill Sobule in the mid-1990s. Here’s an interesting take on Perry, Jonas Brothers and Craig Ferguson. But Katy Pery is kinda cute, while Lady GaGa has these outfits that make her look like a space alien. Also, GaGa’s’s been promoted big time by Perez Hilton, who’s a putz.

Who’s tougher: Rambo vs. Rocky
Frog: “Rocky. He went the distance.” Having said that, I saw five Rocky pictures but zero Rambo flicks.

Best boy band: ‘NSync vs. New Kids on the Block
They are the same group in my mind.

The Jerry Springer Show: trash or gold
Trash, trash, trash, under the guise of being helpful. I found it hysterical that he recently appeared on Dancing with the Stars. Probably trying to redeem his very tainted image.

Super Harrison Ford hero: Han Solo vs. Indiana Jones
Frog: “I love them both, but Indy always seemed more human to me.” And Sean Connery MADE the third film for me.

Top pop princess: Britney vs. Christina
I suppose Christina.

Scariest serial killer: Freddy vs. Jason
I only saw the guy in the mask once and Freddy not at all. Frog: “Freddy attacks you in your dreams, which is much scarier. I mean, I can stay out of the woods but I can’t avoid going to sleep.” One of the oddities of my life is that I sold Freddy Krueger masks and (plastic) claws when I worked at FantaCo in the 1980s, mostly via mail order. We sold a LOT of them; THAT I thought was really scary. We tried to sell Jason masks, but it’s really just a variation on a hockey mask, and it didn’t move that well.

Boobs: fake vs. real
What an odd question. In fact I have no basis for comparison. There are all sorts of legit reasons for artificial enhancements.

Mega music mogul: Diddy vs. Jay Z
Diddy annoyed me years ago, Jay-Z more recently.

Geekiest fans: Star Wars vs. Star Trek
Tough question. Both groups have kvetched about things that aren’t part of the “canon”. I declare it a draw. Of course, if you throw in Doctor Who, as Mike Sterling did recently, I’d be inclined to lean towards the good Doctor.

Team Aniston vs. Team Jolie
Don’t care. It’s their – and Pitt’s – business, not mine.

Bigger blockbuster craze: Jurassic Park vs. Titanic
Titanic was the bigger movie, but JP was a series, with action figures and the like. I enjoyed the soundtracks to Titanic, especially the second one.

Greatest band of all time: Beatles vs. Rolling Stones
I must say the Beatles’ early albums were better than the Stones’ early collections. Don’t think the Stones had a decent ALBUM until Aftermath (featuring “Paint It, Black”). Then they both had solid runs, the Beatles broke up but the Stones CONTINUED to have good tunes. I’ll pick the Beatles because their songwriting had a greater cultural appreciation, but it’s a slim margin.

Supreme diva: Whitney vs. Mariah
I liked Whitney Houston early on. Mariah seemed to need to irritatingly infuse her five-octave voice everywhere, all the time. Then Whitney got with Bobby Brown and became a sad persona, while Mariah freed herself from Tommy Mottola – Emancipation of Mimi, indeed – and seems a whole lot more together when she got married again relatively recently. So depends on the definition of diva.

Which alien would you rather party with: ALF vs. ET
Frog: “They both seem like lame party guests. And I couldn’t go the whole night without strangling ALF to death.”

Simpsons vs. Family Guy
Frog: “The Simpsons, at least the first 10 seasons, is one of the funniest shows in history.”

Best pop star ever: Madonna vs. Michael Jackson
Frog: “Michael Jackson. His musical output up to about 1989 is amazing, and Madonna… well, everything of hers I liked can probably fit on one CD.” In fact, I have my one greatest hits of Madonna’s tunes, while I have a lot of J5 and a couple MJ albums.

Fiercest supermodel biatch: Naomi Campbell vs. Janice Dickinson
I’ve never watch, but the little I’ve read suggests that Janice Dickinson is less well hinged. Oh, and I hate the word biatch.

Which baseball franchise rules: Red Sox vs. Yankees
The Yankees ruled the 20th Century, the Red Sox the 21st – so far.

Sexiest ‘stache: Burt Reynolds vs. Tom Selleck
Frog: “Burt. That ‘stache is what all ‘staches aspire to.”

Worst celebrity excuse: Simpson’s acid reflux vs. Piven’s mercury poisoning
Must say, I have no idea what these are about. But I’ve had acid reflux.

Biggest fall from grace: George Michael vs. Boy George
George Michael, if only because he was a much bigger star.

Greatest cheestastic Broadway show on Earth: Cats vs. Phantom
Frog: “They’re both incredibly cheesy, but Phantom of the Opera has better music. And a plot.”

Who cares more about the world: Sting vs. Bono
I know Bono comes off preachy and sanctimonious, but he’s had an impact. Still the question of who cares more is unanswerable, because I can’t see into their hearts.

Least arousing sex book: Joy of Sex vs. Madonna’s Sex
I read Joy of Sex when I was 16 and, er, learned stuff. (I think it on Arthur at AmeriNZ’s podcast where someone was noting that Joy of Sex was either heterocentric or homophobic; not having looked at it in 40 years, I’ll have to check that out.) Frog: “Madonna’s book is an over-the-top gynecology exam, far too cynical and cold to really be sexy.”

Would you rather be a Flintstone or a Jetson?
Frog: “A Jetson. It’s a convenience issue.” I’m still waiting for my Rosie to clean up the place.

Most indestructible rocker: Ozzy Osbourne vs. Keith Richards
Frog: “Keef!”

Most hideous footwear trend: Crocs vs. Uggs
I’m fashion blind. If you put them each in front of me, I’d only have a 50/50 chance of sussing out which was which.

Funniest TV foreigner: Balki vs. Latka
Frog: “Latka. I am one of those ‘Andy Kaufman was a genius’ people.”

Better buzz: Red Bull vs. Jolt
I’ve never had either.

Which member of The View would you eat first if stranded on a desert island?
Frog: “Sherri Sheppard. She’s a moron, the world will never miss her. Plus, she’ll provide a longer store.”

Best cartoon pet: Snoopy vs. Garfield
Frog: “I have to go with Snoopy. Garfield tends to lay around and be cynical, but Snoopy’s so many things–a World War I flying ace, a novelist, a vulture, Joe Cool, and he can dance.”

Best Jersey export: Bruce Springsteen vs. Bon Jovi
Hmm. I have over a dozen Springsteen albums, he’s helped to note the contributions of Pete Seeger, and I went to see him in concert this year. I have zero Bon Jovi albums, and I have no desire to them in concert. Easy choice. Jon Bon Jovi, though, does own a football team; I always wanted to own a sports team, at least in the abstract, so that’s one in his favor.

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