CREATIVE PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

The Popsicles that my daughter eat have these puns on the stick. You can see the question, or at least most of it, on the handle, but you have to eat the treat in order to get the punchline. (EXAMPLE: What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer.) These types of jokes the daughter doesn’t quite get yet, but will probably be telling next year.

As I’ve noted before, I can be, I’m told, rather funny, but I can’t tell a joke to save my life. And the only jokes I can remember have punchlines that are terrible puns, specifically this one, which, in spite of its title, is NOT “the world’s funniest joke.” (More groaners here and here.)

I’m sure someone – I’m guessing one of my sisters – sent these along, and far be it for me to let them go to waste. (For singers and musicians, Holy Week is hell week, of a sort).

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4.. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

23.&nb sp; When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

And Mark Evanier supplies even more of them
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I was in the supermarket yesterday, and on the cover of People, Us weekly, InTouch, the National Enquirer amd a couple other publications near the checkout counter was the sad face of Sandra Bullock, and not because she just won the Oscar. I know she’s the bigger star than Wyatt Earp, or whoever she’s married to, but it seems unfair.

Anyway, this song by the Main Ingredient, featuring Cuba Gooding Sr., came to mind, appropriate for the day: Everybody Plays the Fool.


ROG

George W. Bush Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize!

It being April Fools’ Day, and my brother-in-law Dan’s birthday, he of the terrible puns, I figure I’d list some songs that feature the word fool that I actually own.

Chain of Fools-Aretha
Dancing Fool-Frank Zappa
If You Want to Make a Fool of Somebody-Vanilla Fudge
Ship of Fools-Erasure
What a Fool Believes-Doobie Brothers
Wicked Woman, Foolish Man-August Darnell
Won’t Get Fooled Again-the Who
Why Do Fools Fall in Love-Joni Mitchell
Fool-Elvis Presley
Fool for the City-Foghat
Fool for You-Impressions
Fool in the Rain-Led Zeppelin
Fool on the Hill-Beatles; Sergio Mendes; Ramsey Lewis
Fool Such as I-Elvis Presley
Fooled Again-Tom Petty
Fooled Around and Fell in Love-Elvin Bishop
Foolish Games-Jewel
Foolish Little Girl-Shirelles
Fools-Deep Purple
Fools in Love-Joe Jackson

There are undoubtedly tons of other songs with the word fool inbedded. Seems Sinatra has a bunch, and I have a bunch of Sinatra. There’s that classic What Kind of Fool Am I, which I must have by somebody. Of course, there’s that duolog in Jesus Christ Superstar, appropriate for the season, with the line, “You’re a fool, Jesus Christ, how can I help you?”
One of my favorire song that doesn’t have fool in the title is Tell the Truth by Derek and the Dominoes (“who’s neen foolin’ you?”)
But my favorite fool song is Led Zeppelin’s Whole Lotta Love: “You need schoolin’, Baby, I’m not foolin'”.
No, I never owned albums by The Fools, that Boston band with a couple albums in the early ’80s.
***
Here’s one version of my favorite terrible joke:
There once was a famous pitcher named Mel Famie. He was a great pitcher, a 0.45 ERA, and averaged 1.6 SO’s per inning. He did have one flaw though, he liked to sneak a six pack or two into the bullpen during games.

It is the bottom of the ninth in Milwaukee, the game is tied at 0-0. Mel had started on his beer at the seventh inning, figuring that he wouldn’t be used. One, two, three, four, the cans go by. By now, Mel is feeling a bit heated. The starting pitcher suddenly gets a cramp in his arm and can’t continue. The coach calls Mel to the mound to relieve him.

Mel quickly stuffs his beer can into his back pocket, and gets out there. His first batter comes up…BALL ONE! The ump yells. Soon the count is full, and sure enough, Mel loses him. The next batter comes up…Mel has him at 0-2, but then throws four straight balls and walks him too. The coach wants to pull him, but Mel snows him into leaving him in. Mel strikes out the next batter with three straight fastballs.

So, Mel feels confident and sneaks the beer out of his pocket, and sucks the whole thing down, and slyly drops the can behind the mound. He faces his next batter…and can barely see the plate. He throws a ball just a bit outside, and then a strike. Then three more balls in a row. Now the bases are loaded, and only one out, but Mel somehow convinces the coach he can throw a double play ball. He gets the count to 2-2, then 3-2, and then he throws a curveball wide for ball four, walking in the winning run.

One of the Brewer players quickly runs out behind the mound and picks up the discarded beer can. One of his teammates says “What on earth do you want that thing for?”

To which he replies, “Don’t you know?

This is the beer that made Mel Famie walk us!

(In another version, the opposition sneak beer to him.)

ROG