Fatherhood

a different lovely person at each age of her life so far

Lydia and Roger
2010

A couple of weeks ago, I stumbled onto an NPR YouTube video, “‘Weird Al’ Yankovic on ditching architecture for music, fatherhood, and staying weird.

At about 7:15, he talked about daydreaming about his daughter’s childhood, showing her old pictures on his phone – “Remember this when you were eight?” I THINK I try not to do that too much, although I do wonder what she remembers when she was younger.

Rachel Martin asked,” Did you always know you wanted to be a parent?” He said that, honestly, no. But he got married in his late thirties and became a dad to Nina in his early forties. Now, “I wouldn’t have it any other way”.

I’m feeling essentially the same, although I first became a dad in my early fifties. There were times in the early 1990s when I hoped it would happen, but it didn’t. And I was okay with it. It wasn’t meant to be.

Besides, I had nieces. I babysat some of my friends’ kids.  But having your own kid was a different animal. For me, it mainly was hoping I didn’t screw her up too badly.

My father believed in corporal punishment. Well, we’re not going to do THAT. But I didn’t want to spoil her either.

Many different persons

Al talked about remembering her at different ages, and I do with my child, hopefully not wallowing in it. It seemed, at least at church, that she initially gravitated towards the older kids, then later took care of the younger ones.

I recall that she went through phases of ballet, soccer, and playing the clarinet. None of these “stuck,” but I think they were all useful. She was, as one commenter said about Al’s recollection and a high school play he saw, being “a different lovely person at each age of her life so far.” It is “how one can be almost entirely different personalities, and how each of those stages of life is still a part of her, whether she barely consciously remembers them or not.”

Happy Father’s Day.

The Lydster: Planning for fatherhood

Chris wants to know:

Did you always want to be a dad?

I’d have to say no. Fatherhood was never anything I ever gave more than a passing thought until I was about 40 and I was with someone who wanted to have kids.

Before that, I went out with a couple women who had already had children and weren’t going to have more, and that was fine by me.

I didn’t dislike children. I was/am very fond of my nieces, Rebecca and Alex, and my wife’s brothers’ girls too. In the family photos, it’s me carrying Rebecca when we were in NYC. I’d be coloring with her at my maternal grandmother’s funeral in Binghamton. I still marvel that I picked out a nice reversible outfit that Alex wore for a couple years.

And I’m actually pretty good with other people’s rugrats. My daughter is amazed and more than slightly embarrassed by my willingness to distract crying babies on the bus, often successfully.

BTW, dating women with young kids can be very complicated. Usually, she doesn’t want you to be too seriously involved in her children’s lives until she is sure the romantic couple seems secure. Yet she can’t get TOO involved with you unless she thinks you’ll like her kids and vice versa.

Of course, NOW I am happy about fatherhood.

What are some things that you’ve learned through life that you hope to pass on to your daughter?

It’s always this tightrope. I don’t want her to be filled with my opinions about religion or race, for example, and want her to discover for herself. Yet I have learned a few things on these and other topics, and need to pass along some of that foundational structure, without her being a philosophical clone of me.

I’ve done a good job introducing her to the Beatles and Motown, but there’s plenty more to share.

And the truth is that we do think alike a lot, even in relationship with my wife/her daughter. The two of us literally hear things the same way quite often.

Ramblin' with Roger
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